


Seasons Change (Why can't I?)

by intothemysticfic



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Growing Up, Healing, M/M, Past Abuse, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothemysticfic/pseuds/intothemysticfic
Summary: As the seasons change, Jaehyun tries to change with them - shed his bad habits like the trees release their leaves. Abandon the wolf-skin he inherited; but, it is hard to be vulnerable. Memory and reality blur. His past creeps in like the autumn chill. An avalanche of emotion bearing down on him - he might just bury Doyoung with him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: The story contains and describes past relationship abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this looks familiar it's because I posted the first chapter. Didn't like it. Rewrote it and now I'm reposting it.

**Summer: It's never too late to change… next summer.**

Jaehyun can feel the base of the music vibrating through his body. It shakes his attention away from his friends. He scans the bodies around him, sipping at his drink. _This summer's been such a waste._ It's a whisper of a thought, but it sticks, echoing in his mind. _Such a waste._ He feels too hollow, a chasm in his chest that's been growing unchecked all summer. He's wasting away. 

The desire to fill the gap is strong. It makes Jaehyun's gaze turn predatory. It makes him want to do terrible things; to twist and break, leave someone else hollow just like him. See if their eyes look as haunted as his when they're left empty. 

"Jaehyun," Ten sing-songs, dragging his mind away from dark thoughts. "We talked about this."

He sighs, tries to shake off the emotions, but they're so hard to escape. He tries to lose himself in the orbit of his friends, wishing the people across from him could be enough to keep him grounded. He wishes to take their care and friendship and fill the hole inside himself. Somehow, it's not enough. 

Guilt twists his gut as his fingers dance across the sticky surface of the table, residue from past spilled drinks. With a fortifying breath, he rallies, refocusing. _Fake it till you make it,_ he thinks, plastering a grin on his face.

"I know. New semester, new me, right?" It's half-hearted, and he knows it's not enough to convince the friends that surround him. 

This is not a new conversation - it's a poor old worn record that he knows all the words to. _New semester, new me._ It's an old promise, repeated each year, always easier said than done. The hollowness inside him keeps growing. If he doesn't fill it, he might just disappear entirely. Consumed by dark bitter loneliness and fear.

Yuta offers, "Sometimes you're a terrible person, but I know you can do better."

Johnny adds, "You're better than this."

He feels like he's been cut in two. Part of him discarded in the before; the kind romantic with honest smiles. Then, the piece left in the after; twisted, viscous, and scraped empty. A sheep transformed into a wolf, so he'd never become prey again. The wounded part of him demands he hurts - crush fragile hearts with his bare hands to feel whole. Use other people's love for him as a sacrifice to fill the pit left in his chest. He doesn't want to be this way. 

He's doing better.

He doesn't feel better.

"I'm trying."

Ten laughs, "So you didn't sleep with that bartender in a storage closet last week?"

He wishes Ten wasn't so immune to his bullshit. He tries to defend himself. "That doesn't count," he shrugs, "I didn't even make him cry. I'm doing better."

"You are doing better," Johnny acknowledges, "I'm proud of you."

He grins, tempted to stick his tongue out Ten. The smaller man always makes him feel childish.

"Johnny's trying to nurture the sadistic out of you. Praise you until you become a better person. Personally, I think a swift kick to the nuts would work better," Ten states while sipping on his pink drink.

"If praise was all I needed, I'd be a saint by now," he bites back, laughing when Ten fakes gags.

Yuta high-fives him.

Once Ten is done with his theatrics, he retorts, "You need therapy."

It's true, probably, but, "That's what I have Johnny for."

"He doesn't have a license yet." 

He waves Ten off, finishing what is left of his drink. "I think I'm going to get another drink. Dance a little. Maybe even find some mutual destruction." He's teasing mostly. The words have the desired effect as Ten groans, tossing his hands into the air. Effortless, Jaehyun blends into the pulse of bodies, weaving his way to the bar. 

At the bar, waiting for his drink, someone bumps into him.

"Sorry."

He recognizes the doe-eyes immediately. Stretching his mouth into a charming grin, he says, "Don't worry about it."

"Jaehyun, right?"

He nods, pleased that the other man knows his name even though it's not surprising since they have friends in common. 

"Doyoung, you look good. Are you all dressed up for someone in particular?" It's meant to be teasing, friendly; because Jaehyun knows better than to go after someone that orbits his friend group. Still, he can't look away without giving Doyoung an appreciative once over.

"Yes - No! You? Uh, I mean no one, in particular, you?"

He can't help but find the stumbled reply adorable. The way Doyoung's eyes skitter around, fingers fiddling with the bracelets decorating his thin wrist, catches Jaehyun's attention. It makes Doyoung look too much like prey. He just knows that the other man's doe eyes would look unforgettably striking, pooled with tears.

Maybe Yuta is right; perhaps he is a terrible person. He worries for a moment if Yuta will forgive him for sleeping with one of his friends. He figures he can blame it on the cheap shots he'd downed earlier. 

The blush rising to Doyoung's cheeks demands his attention.

"You're turning red," he points out, brushing across a heated cheek with his thumb.

He reels Doyoung in like all the rest - with dimpled smiles and pretty words. Playing fast and loose with his own morals.

Jaehyun takes his sacrifice home, careful to avoid anyone they know as they leave the bar. He is relieved that Doyoung doesn't live in the campus dorms. The walk is short.

Jaehyun marvels at the way the red tint spreads from Doyoung's face down his neck. Jaehyun chases the color across his chest, darkening patches of skin with teeth marks and hickeys. Taking the man beneath him apart piece by piece, slowly, methodically. Until, Doyoung is crying his name, begging for Jaehyun to fuck him properly.

For a moment in the afterglow of orgasm, Jaehyun is saved. 

It doesn't last.

In the morning, he worries, frets over what he's done. Yuta will kill him. He takes in Doyoung's beautiful features, soft but sturdy. The sleeping man's body is covered in Jaehyun's handy work of bruises. Yutas definitely is going to kill him. 

He's supposed to be turning a new leaf. 

Doyoung stirs, stretches, whining; undoubtedly, last night's fun has left him sore. The man beside him easily attracts all his attention. Jaehyun digs his fingers into tense muscles with a teasing grin working out the knots he feels. He offers, "I bet I can make you feel better." 

Doyoung hums inquisitive, his face buried in a pillow. Jaehyun drags his hands lower, digging into the base of Doyoung's spine, making him groan appreciatively. Going lower, with a gentler touch, he rubs the marks he left on Doyoung's ass cheeks before spreading them. Dipping his face to lick at Doyoung's swollen rim. He grins devilishly as Doyoung gasps, squirming in Jaehyun's grip.

"It'll hurt," Doyoung protests, finally turning away from his pillow.

"I'm not going to fuck you. I just want to make you feel good - like this," Jaehyun promises, licking once more across the rim. "It feels good, doesn't it?"

"Yes. Yes, please." Doyoung wiggles and Jaehyun can't help but think it's cute. Jaehyun works hard to make the man beneath him fall apart again, spilling onto already soiled sheets, with no real intent to put him back together.

When Doyoung crawls between Jaehyun's legs to take his length into his mouth, Jaehyun decides that doe-eyes might be worth stringing along. It might just keep him from that swift kick to the nuts that Ten is always promising.

Jaehyun watches, sated, as Doyoung falls back to sleep. Leaving the bed, he starts searching for his clothes, not at all ashamed to be slipping into rumpled clothes from the night before. A pastel pink notepad catches his attention, and Jaehyun prints his name and number, adding _coffee_ with a question mark. He sticks the post-it onto Doyoung's headboard. 

It's the first time he's ever offered someone he's had sex with his number for anything other than another round. It causes a strange twisting of emotions. He figures it won't be a loss if Doyoung doesn't call. It will just be another forgettable notch on his bedpost. 

Jaehyun is stealthy in avoiding conversation about where he had disappeared to that night at the club. Taking special care to avoid Yuta, knowing that eventually, his friend would find out. Especially since Doyoung had taken him up on that coffee.

Jaehyun isn't sure why he's so surprised. Something about how smoothly their conversations flow leaves him unguarded. The way coffee leads to dinner unsettles him. It scares him because he isn't even sure how it happened. Texting back and forth about their favorite movies leads to making plans to go to the theater together.

It isn't until he has tickets for the weekend in a cart on his phone that it registers that he's made plans with Doyoung again. The spoon he'd been eating cereal with drops from his slack grip. Milk splashes from the bowl, landing on his phone. "Shit." Hastily he whips at the screen, cursing again when the purchase confirmation page loads. It would be a waste to back out now.

"You okay?" Johnny asks from across the table.

He sighs, "Just not awake yet."

The door slams open and closed but neither of them pays much attention too used to their friends' dramatics.

"Jaehyun! What the fuck!"

He chokes on his cereal, knowing it's too late to run. 

"From 1 to 10?" Johnny questions.

"I don't know," Then Yuta rounds the corner, "Ten, ten!"

Yuta may as well be an anime character with fire for eyes. Jaehyun has nowhere to run, but at his declaration that the situation is a ten on the scale of 'no need to worry' to 'death is imminent,' Johnny is already standing to cut the angry Japanese man off.

"It's too early for murder," Johnny tries to reason, grabbing onto Yuta's shoulders.

As Jaehyun tries to appease with, "It's not what you think!"

"Don't try to bullshit me! Honestly, you've done a lot of shitty things, but fucking Doyoung?"

Johnny turns sharply, and Jaehyun knows that look - the disappointed older brother.

"We went out for coffee."

"We went out for coffee," Yuta mocks, "And you slept with him. He's my friend, Jaehyun. It's hard enough to overlook your shitty behavior when it's strangers you're fucking up."

The harsh words cause Jaehyun to wince, taking a step back like he can distance himself from the truth. 

"Can't we talk about this like adults?" Johnny interjects

"We went out for coffee and dinner. And yeah, we had sex two, but," Jaehyun hesitates, scrambling for an excuse, "I'm not going to hurt him." Even as he says it, he knows it's not true. Couldn’t be true, even if he had only good intentions. 

Yuta scoffs, trying to maneuver around Johnny, clearly not believing the words either. 

Jaehyun tries again, "I'm trying to change, remember?"

"Doyoung isn't a genuine pig - he's my friend, dude."

"He's also an adult capable of making his own decisions," Johnny reminds. "Have you talked to Doyoung about this?"

Yuta deflates a little, "Doyoung's too nice."

"You're not Doyoung's father and Jaehyun isn't asking for his hand in marriage. I know you're worried, but this isn't something to fight over."

"Yet. This isn't something to fight over yet. But, fine. Whatever," Yuta relents, shoving his arm past Johnny frame to point at Jaehyun, "You better not fuck him over."

Jaehyun shivers at the glare he receives, nodding vehemently.

"I've got to go." With that, Yuta leaves just as quickly as he came.

Johnny picks up his bowl from the table, placing it in the sink before turning to face Jaehyun with his arms crossed. "Care to elaborate on what's going on?"

He admits honestly, "I don't know, I don't even know how it happened. It's just I like being around him."

Johnny nods, "I think he could be good for you." 

Jaehyun knows better. It's going to be a disaster. 

It's easy to fall into a rhythm; Doyoung fits seamlessly into Jaehyun's life and schedule - having always been on the edge of his orbit. With summer rapidly drawing to a close and classes starting, new routines begin. Their class schedules and breaks align in a surprising number of ways giving them plenty of opportunities to spend time with each other. 

They study together, they go on dates, they have sex. 

Reality and memory blur.

Every time Jaehyun settles into the pleasant ebb and flow of his interactions with Doyoung, their budding relationship, he gets caught on a jagged edge of his past. 

Jaehyun wakes up alone. It's odd because Doyoung never leaves without a good-bye - even if that good-bye is scribbled onto paper. His stomach knots uncomfortably with an emotion Jaehyun refuses to identify. Before he can overthink it, his bedroom door is easing open - Doyoung steps in, arms ladened with a tray of food.

"What's this for?"

An easy smile and slight shrug of his shoulders, "Just felt like it."

The present and the past overlay, tripping Jaehyun up. Doyoung cups his face with gentle hands. It makes Jaehyun tense all over, waiting for something that only comes in memory. 

"Are you okay?"

This keeps happening more and more. Jaehyun never quite knows what to expect from Doyoung. It leaves him on edge. Jaehyun knows gentle hands can leave bruises, soft voices can bite, that wolves wear sheep's skin to ambush and manipulate. Doyoung is gentle. He has always been caring - it's a lie.

It was a lie.

Is it a lie?

Jaehyun tries to smile, to shake off the clammy feeling of missing a step. Slow his heart rate back to something familiar. He reminds himself that it's only breakfast - not an apology; because Doyoung has done nothing to apologize for.

"Just a bad dream."

A bad dream. A nightmare. A memory that's been taped over trying to replay during Jaehyun's waking hours.

"Do you want to talk about it?

"No," he shakes his head before making grabby hands at the food, "I think that food will make me feel better."

Doyoung smiles brightly, settling the tray on Jaehyun's lap before taking up space beside him. Jaehyun welcomes him with an arm around his shoulders.

Doyoung shines a light on that hollow place inside. It's an open wound. The fear that Doyoung could make it worse is persistent. Jaehyun worries that he's just one misstep from the past becoming the present; he can feel the past chasing him down, unavoidable like UV rays. Doyoung is too real. The emotions are too much. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you for reading!
> 
> Quick question: What did you think? (Good, bad, could have done with out such and such part...)
> 
> I got stuck while writing this last time, but I'm feeling much more confident about this time around.
> 
> Also, help with tags would be great! I'm not good at tags....


	2. Autumn

**Autumn: Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are all falling, and they’re falling like they’re in love with the ground. - Andrea Gibson**

Jaehyun is carrying two coffees; he only meant to buy one. He's waiting outside a classroom that isn't his; he doesn't know why. Except, he'd been in line at the cafe, a worker slid a batch of macarons into the display case. Doyoung often pouts about how the shop is always sold out after class. Jaehyun had bought a dozen and an extra coffee too. There's a shimmering happiness brewing in him.

The past creeps up like a shadow before lingering in the back of his mind. Abruptly the shimmering turns to shards of glass. There's a nervousness like marching ants under his skin. Nerve endings readying to be lit up. He reminds himself; this is good; everything's okay, I've done nothing wrong.

**_I've done nothing wrong._ **

**_I've done nothing wrong._ **

**_I've done nothing wrong._ **

"Are those macaroons? Please tell me those are for me!"

He nods, distracted by a ghost he hadn't noticed the flood of students into the hallway. The suddenness of Doyoung's embrace makes Jaehyun's heart race painfully in his chest, muscles locking as he holds back his flight response. The need to cover and run is strong. Doyoung lets go just as quickly, noticing the shift. Always attentive to Jaehyun's body language.

"Sorry! Too much?"

Jaehyun hates it, loathes the wide-eyed concern, and easily given apologies. He's always tripping over reminders. The past and present running parallel but never quite touching. It makes him feel like he needs to bare his teeth in warning - maim before he is slaughtered.

"Jaehyun, are you feeling alright?"

He pushes the coffee carrier and box of macaroons into Doyoung's hands. "M'fine. I thought you'd like them. I have to get to class."

Doyoung calls out to him as he barrels down the hall, but he doesn't turn back. It's only after he's made it outside that he realizes he gave Doyoung both coffees.

He feels stupid. That hollow part of him is pulsing raw like an open wound. It's so much harder when he doesn't know what to expect. Like being on a roller coaster and waiting for the drop, but it never comes, and he is left in limbo. He can't stand the feeling. He can't do this; he can't breathe with the weight of the unknown bearing down on him. He hates himself, hates his past, and hates Doyoung too.

Except he doesn't, and not hating Doyoung is worse; because he can't do it anymore. He can't stay suspended on that crest waiting for the fall - he needs an emergency exit. Doyoung is handsome and sweet and witty in a way that Jaehyun hadn't expected. But, all Jaehyun can think about is the ghost around the corner. He's waiting for the past and present to merge, for Doyoung to turn into that familiar ghost. 

Jaehyun paces his room, phone in his hand. He wants to cut things cleanly - no tears. For once, he doesn't want to see the haunted look in someone else's eyes. He's grown to like Doyoung more than he intended to - he doesn't want to hurt him. There's no desire to tear Doyoung open to see what lies beneath the surface.

He types out the words, once then twice. The third time is not a charm, so he tries again continually changing the words. They all come out too harsh, too fake. All words he can't bear to speak out loud. He settles on the truth in the fifth message, hoping Doyoung will understand. Jaehyun is haunted, and no one should have to stay in a haunted house. When you try to build a home with too many shadows, where devils and phantoms roam, they become so familiar you start to become one.

Jaehyun would know. For once, he doesn't want his darkness to taint another person. 

Jaehyun should have known that walking away wouldn't be as easy as sending a text message. When his phone starts vibrating, notifications of messages filled with Doyoung's concern and inquisition, he shuts it off. If only that could be the end.

It doesn't take long for Doyoung to give up on reaching him by phone, coming straight to his room instead. Jaehyun fights the urge to hide under his blankets.

"I thought things were going good, Jaehyun? What happened?" Doyoung's posture is wide open, palms open at his sides. 

Jaehyun doesn't know how to explain it.

"I told you! I just can't do this. Please, I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't." Doyoung makes it sound easy, simple as he steps closer to the bed.

It isn't. Every moment is challenging. Doyoung's step was modest, a few inches forward, but it's enough to have Jaehyun standing up to put distance between them. Needing separation to silence the warning alarms going off in his head.

Jaehyun doesn't know how to explain that pain becomes intimate after a while, like the feel of your mom's embrace - it starts to feel like home. The soft sweetness that Doyoung offers isn't something he feels like he deserves. It isn't something he's earned.

"Don't push me away. I don't want to end what we have. If you just try, we could work it out."

Doyoung just isn't getting it. This is what is best for both of them. Jaehyun's starting to feel cornered, and like a wild animal, he hashes out.

"Don't be so sentimental - this was a mistake. Just get out!" Jaehyun regrets getting so close, letting Doyoung in. He knew it would be a disaster. 

"I'm going, but I'm not giving up on this," Doyoung states, going slow like he hopes Jaehyun will change his mind before he makes it out the door. 

The pain that blooms in Jaehyun's chest is foreign, hard to handle. He's so used to everything being physical. Bruises, he can take; this emotional ache is new. It's easy to lean into what he knows. To let his desire to break things consume him even if it hurts. Particularly because it hurts. He needs Doyoung to understand that he only knows how to destroy things. 

He spent so long playing house with the devil he lost any goodness in him. He ruins things, twists people into monsters. He's a terrible person. Maybe, he always was. Perhaps, he was the devil from the beginning. 

His hands shake as he tears into his closet, finding his tightest pair of pants and his lowest cut shirt. He's haphazard in his quest making a mess of his room. If there are tears in his eyes, he knows the club lights will be too dim for anyone else to notice. He knows he has to destroy the delusion that Doyoung is under - Jaehyun is not a deserving person. 

It's easy: dressing to impress, storming past Johnny's concerned questions, getting to the club. It's effortless: scanning the dance floor for prey, saddling up behind another person. The sweet little lies fall as natural from his lips as leaves from trees in autumn. It's all as simple as slipping on a wool coat. 

While waiting for a cab outside, Jaehyun slips his phone from his pocket, holding it up to snap a picture.

"What are you doing?" Taeyong, Jaehyun's chosen conquest, asks with a smile.

"Picture proof that I met an angel tonight."

Taeyong lets Jaehyun lean in close, press a kiss to his flushed cheek as he takes the picture. He leans away to send the picture to Doyoung. The reply is instant, but not what he expected.

**_You're better than this._ **

Jaehyun laughs, and it tastes like copper in his mouth. He's precisely this kind of person. Jaehyun's done this so many times he can hardly remember them all. He thought Doyoung knew that - he figured Yuta would have warned him.

**_You don't have to do this._ **

**_Please._ **

He's unrelenting - he can't fall no matter how much he wants to. Replying,  **_give it up. This was never going to last._ **

That ache in his chest grows and grows as he shuts his phone off. When the cab arrives, he holds the door open for Taeyong.

Later, Jaehyun sits on the edge of Taeyong's bed; he can barely hear the other man's snoring over his own raging heartbeat. There's is no afterglow to bask in, no note to leave. He wanders back to the kitchen they stumbled past earlier, grabbing a glass to fill with water. He leaves it on Taeyong's nightstand like somehow the action can redeem him - make him a decent person. 

His eyes burn. For the first time since freshman year, he feels genuinely worthless. He feels like he's been shattered to pieces all over again, except this time, no skilled doctors will be able to patch him up. 

His phone vibrates when he turns it on and doesn't stop, one incoming call or text after the next. Stuffing his phone back into his pocket like he can hide from the consequences of his actions. He steps into a corner store, grabbing the first cheap bottle of booze he can reach. As he walks back to his and Johnny's apartment, he drinks one swig after the next. He's intent on finishing the bottle before he gets home. He wishes he could fill himself with it or drown—anything to make the aching stop.

Jaehyun expected Johnny's lenient disapproval to be waiting for him. He gets fire and brimstone: Ten and Yuta barely constrained lividness. Yuta's quicker, grabbing onto his collar, grumbling, "God, I want to ruin that pretty face of yours."

Jaehyun almost wishes he would replace the ache in his chest with the pain he's more accustomed to. He knows Yuta won't, for all his harsh glares and strong words, the man is gentle.

Ten demands, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

He wishes he knew. If he knew, maybe he could pluck the wrongness out of himself. Be brand new. 

Johnny pulls on Yuta's shoulder, "Come on, let him go. We agreed to no fighting."

Yuta lets go and shakes Johnny off him, "Yeah, well, that was before I saw his fucking face!'

Ten is on him the instant Yuta is out of his way, swinging his leg back delivering a swift kick to the nuts. Jaehyun chokes on a shout, gasping from pain as he falls to the ground.

"Ten, what the hell!"

"If he wants to act like a bitch in heat, maybe he should be neutered." 

Jaehyun's stomach rolls from the liquor, the pain, the quick movement of hitting the floor - he isn't sure. He figures he deserves everything he's getting. The room spins. He isn't sure which way is up. The bile is rising up from his throat before he can brace himself. He chokes, finally realizing he is flat on his back. 

"Oh shit, gross."

"That's not my fault."

"Help me get him up."

Hands are rolling him over, fingers encouraging the vomit from his mouth so he can breathe. "Come on, Jaehyun, you gotta spit it out," Johnny stresses.

He tries, coughing and sputtering. That's going to be such a bitch to clean in the morning. Sitting up makes the room go topsy turvy. "Here." Ten shoves a bottle of water into his face. Johnny takes it, opening it and urging him to drink. 

"Bed… please." Everything hurts. It hurts to open his eyes, so he keeps them shut. It takes all three of them to get him up, moving him through the apartment to his bed. They lay him on his side. 

"You're too easy on him."

He can hear Johnny sigh. "You didn't need to hit him."

Ten scoffs, "I know you were in love with him… I'm sorry - I shouldn't have said that."

Jaehyun wonders if the reminder hurts. It's not something any of them typically talk about.

"You're not wrong. Am I supposed to get mad because you told the truth?"

Jaehyun wishes he could sleep, pass out, slip into a coma, anything to avoid hearing this conversation. 

"I know it's a sore subject. I also know that you feel guilty because of what happened. Which is dumb, by the way."

"You noticed."

"God, Johnny, we were all just teenagers! It's not your fault."

This feels like a repeated conversation, like one he's heard before while surrounded by the smell of antiseptic. 

"He's my best friend. You two barely hung out."

"Yeah, well, Jaehyun wasn't original with his lies, and neither was that bastard with his bullshit. You don't forget bruises like that."

Jaehyun wishes he had the strength to move, to beg them to stop. He doesn't want to be reminded of freshman year or bruises and lies. It feels like the emotion welling up inside will be what drowns him. Or maybe it will be the recollections that do him in of gentle hands balled into tight fists, of love withering. The lies that sounded like the sweetest forever. All his mistakes and faults and inability to follow the most straightforward rules.

"I know you feel guilty and want to take care of him; but, he has to be held accountable for his actions. Johnny, he needs you to stop handling him with kid gloves." 

Someone sits beside him, presses a cold, wet cloth to his head before whipping his face. He can tell by the smell of nicotine that it's Yuta. The Japanese man has been trying to quit; Jaehyun wonders if the relapse is his fault too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sad... I'm sorry. I hope it was a good read anyway! Let me know what you think. Comments help me grow as a writer and provide a better story.
> 
> Question time: What type of friend are you? Like are you the mom friend, the baby of your friend group, the wild one getting everyone into trouble, the silent supporter?  
> Would you be more like Johnny or Ten in this situation?


	3. Winter

_**Winter: Winter is a time for study you know, and the colder it is the more studious we are. - Henry David Thoreau** _

Jaehyun snags himself on the ending, the finality, like a sweater caught on a branch he begins to unravel. He tries to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other because an object in motion stays in motion. It's just physics, except his rhythm has been broken. Inevitably when he believes he's found a new one, his feet catch on a reminder, fresh and Doyoung shaped. He retreats to the safety of his room, strips his sheets to start new. Except he doesn't have an extra set, and the laundromat is too far. The bedding is left a messy heap on his floor.

On the bare mattress, he stares up at the ceiling, drifting in and out of sleep. Time slips through the crack in his curtains, casting shadows and banishing them again, again. His phone rings; it's a distant sound like it's ringing underwater. Until it stops. The door opens on occasion letting in too much light. A silhouette leaves food, tries to remind him of things he needs to do.

Voices start to fill the room, ghostly and distorted.

**_"Don't be late."_ **

He should have bought a watch or set reminders.

**_"Don't go to that party."_ **

He should have stayed in his dorm.

**_"Don't ignore me."_ **

What kind of person isn’t willing to dedicate more time to their boyfriend. 

**_"Don't talk to him."_ **

He's never been able to follow the most straightforward instructions.

**_"Don't fuck him over."_ **

Some things never change. Jaehyun should have known he couldn't change. He knows what it will cost him this time: Yuta, Ten, and Doyoung. The complicated emotions make him miss the simplicity of violence. Punishments, apologies, forgiveness, reset a new beginning that ends like each one before. Until acted on by an outside force.

**_"You just don't fucking listen, do you? All you had to do was listen!"_ **

It's his own words replaying like a broken record, weak and feeble, in his head that drives him from his bed. 

**_"I'm sorry! I'm sorry - I'll tell them it's not true! I'll tell them Ten's lying! I'll tell them it was an accident… it was just an accident."_ **

He stumbles into Johnny's room, emotion bubbling over. Phantom pains leaving him gasping for breath. Johnny lets him crawl into his bed, making space for him. A sob lodged in his throat as he seeks safety. 

"Was it me," he asks, "Did I make him like that? I must have, right?"

"I know it's easier to blame yourself because if it was something you did, you could control it. Make sure you never get hurt like that again, but Jaehyun, it wasn't your fault."

It sounds logical like it does every time Johnny says it - he can't believe it, though. For a while, they stay like that, Johnny holding him and Jaehyun pretending that this single action can glue the chasm in his sternum shut. Then Johnny shifts, reaching to his nightstand and grabbing a post-it pad.

"There's a therapist - he volunteers at the crisis center. His name's Taeil. You should call him." Johnny presses the post-it to Jaehyun's forehead with a gentle swipe of his thumb. 

"I didn't come here for this shit," Jaehyun grumbles, getting up to leave, hurting. He anticipates Johnny stopping him, taking back the suggestion. He expects Johnny to comfort him because Johnny never pressures him. Johnny doesn't reach for him, doesn't even look up at him. The unfamiliar reaction sends Jaehyun's heart racing with dread. "What the fuck! Is this because of Doyoung? Are you going to shut me out now?"

"No. I'm sorry, Jaehyun. I'm sorry," Johnny sits up with a sigh but still doesn't reach for him, "I've been a shitty friend to you. I didn't want to push you because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or see you hurt, but that wasn't fair to you. I've been watching you self-destruct because I'm a coward - I didn't want you to be upset with me. I can't do that anymore, Jaehyun. So please, just call the number."

Jaehyun hates it, feels betrayed. "I hate you! You're supposed to have my back - you're supposed to be here for me."

Finally, Johnny meets his gaze; Jaehyun wishes he hadn't. "This is me having your back. I know it's hard, but it'll be worth it. You have to face it, all that pain and fear you have to deal with it, Jaehyun."

"Shut up! Just shut up."

He can't stand it. Can't stand the pity or the sorrow swirling in his best friend's eyes. He feels like his world has been tilted on its axis. 

Jaehyun storms back to his room, crumbling up the number, watching shadows expand and deflate like a breathing thing. 

Light spills in, there's a biting rebuke for Johnny on Jaehyun's tongue when a voice speaks too high pitched. "Gosh, Jaehyun, it stinks in here. Get your ass up!'

His heart jumps into this throat; he can taste it raw and pulsing. 

"Go away, Ten," he chokes, surprised and terrified in equal parts.

He feels clammy unsure if this is reality, dream, or nightmare.

"Go away? So you can wallow in your filth and pity some more? Like hell - get up."

"I don't want to," he grumbles, burrowing further into his blanket, "you can't make me."

The door shuts on Ten's scoff. His heart beats rapidly, wondering why Ten is here. They haven't spoken since Ten finally made good on his threat to kick Jaehyun in the nuts. The door opens again a few minutes later. 

"Ten, I told you to leave me alone." But it can't be Ten because suddenly he's being lifted off his bed. He squawks, flapping his arms as the security of his bed is snatched away from him.

"What the hell, Johnny put me down!"

"I'm sorry - Ten's right you need to get up."

The shower runs in the bathroom. Ten looks sadistically gleeful, holding the shower head as Johnny deposits Jaehyun into the tub. "What do you think you're doing?"

"You stink," Ten notes before aiming the water to cascade down Jaehyun's head.

"Stop that!" He demands shifting to stand, but Ten sprays him in the face, leaving him to sputter and sit back down. The smaller man laughs like a Disney villain. 

He's left frozen as Ten pours soap onto his hair, pulling the strands roughly as he works the soap into a lather. Ten shouldn't be here; he shouldn't be taking care of him. Jaehyun doesn't deserve it.

"I can wash," he mumbles, emotion constricting the words.

"You had your chance."

"My clothes are wet."

"Take 'em off." 

Jaehyun glares, hugging himself. Ten rolls his eyes, "Oh, you're modest now?"

Jaehyun strips his clothes with a twist of his mouth, letting the wet fabric hit the floor with a thud. Ten hums. "I get why guys are disappointed when they don't get a second round." 

Mortified, Jaehyun twists Ten's wrist tilting the showerhead to spray the gaping man in the face. Ten cries out as he releases the showerhead, retreating.

"Stop objectifying me!" Jaehyun demands, pulling the shower curtain closed. "I can bathe myself!"

"But will you?"

"Yes!" He stresses, "What are you even doing here?"

"Finals Jaehyun," Ten drags the words out like Jaehyun's an idiot, "Finals are less than three weeks away. You're dumbass hasn't even been going to class."

Jaehyun feels like Ten just spun the wheel of emotions inside him with those words; he flips through so many. Before settling on dismay. "What am I going to do?"

"Study? Make-up your assignments? Yuta and Jungwoo are at the library checking out books."

Jaehyun finds himself freezing up again at the mention of Yuta.

"Mark and Haechan are sweet-talking your professors."

"Who?"

"Jesus, Jaehyun. Johnny was their tour guide at the beginning of the year. They've been following him around like little chicks all semester."

"Yeah, yeah. I know - I remember." Except he doesn't, not really. It scares him, the little recollection he has of the two. 

"Why are you guys doing this?" He asks softly, surprised that the question isn't swallowed by the pouring water.

The curtain is yanked back. "Because we're your friends, you absolute moron. Even when you're an asshole."

Jaehyun wonders why it's always Ten fucking with physics and pushing him into motion. Jaehyun is tempted to fall into Ten's arms, let the tears stinging at his eyes drop. There's an itching beneath his skin that makes him inclined to bite and claw-like a rabid dog. Before his emotions can spill over either way, Ten drags him back on track, startling him.

"By the way, you missed class because your great aunt died. I wanted to tell them it was a sex thing, something gross and oozing that required treatment, but Johnny wouldn't let me."

Like that, the other is turning on his heel and leaving the room, calling over his shoulder. "Hurry up, Johnny, order Jeyuk Bokkeum."

Even after Jaehyun yelled at him - Johnny still ordered his favorite food. The emotions finally overtake him, spilling over, merging with the water washing over him. He tries to wrap his head around the turn of events. Ten and Yuta, not cut from his life like he thought. Johnny, ordering his favorite food. He questions what he's done to deserve the people in his life. A beaten, wounded part of himself whispers it's a trap. If it's a trap, he'll walk into it with a smile.

It's overwhelming walking into the living room that's bustling with people, full of life and noises that have been missing from his life. Jungwoo grabs him by the arm, launching into a rant about the lectures he's missed as he pulls Jaehyun to sit beside him. Johnny sets take-out boxes on the table in front of them. Yuta drops a stack of books beside him. 

"You look like shit."

"Yeah." He doesn't know what to say; he doesn't know what to expect. This isn’t the pattern he’s used too.

Yuta sighs, ruffles his hair before clicking his tongue and sitting down. "Doyoung said he isn't a damsel in distress and doesn't need anyone to fight for his honor or whatever. He also got drunk and waxed poetic about your dick - I thought I was going to vomit. Anyway, you're welcome, and you owe me a beer."

Jaehyun isn't sure what he expected, but none of this was in the realm of possibilities. What he does know is he certainly owes Yuta more than one beer. The next several hours feel surreal. By the end of the night, his head is pounding, and he's begging for mercy.

Later, when the apartment is once again quiet, he stares at himself in the mirror, unable to recognize the stranger looking back at him. Where did the wide-eyed boy with the overflowing heart go? He knows if he looks long enough, he will find shards of other people embedded in him like broken glass. If he stares too long, he will discover atrocities. 

He reaches out, placing his palm on the mirror over his reflection. He doesn't fight the memories or run from them, doesn't flinch at the way his face smarts with a phantom sting. Let's the fear and awareness wash over him like an avalanche.

He breathes through the memory of the sandpaper tug of shattered mirror beneath his cheek as the hand on his head kept applying more force. He pushes and pushes with his hand, adding pressure until the glass snaps beneath his palm. Distorting the image of the stranger he's become. 

He wants that boyish smile back, to feel like himself again. He wants to be a better person. He wants to be free of phantoms and monsters, especially the one lurking inside himself. He wants…

With shaky hands and tear blurred vision, he shifts through the mess on his desk; he finds a small ball of paper. Pressing out the post-it smoothing it flat until he can read the numbers written in Johnny's messy scrawl.

Taeil is young, his hair is untidy, but not in a way that makes him appear unprofessional. He seems earnest and kind, welcoming Jaehyun with a smile. Jaehyun had thought about canceling, picked up his phone a dozen times after that first call, but then his eyes would catch on his broken mirror. 

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"

"You want to see what you're working with?" Jaehyun pinches his leg; he doesn't want to be defensive. 

"I guess it could seem that way, but honestly, it's just a question to break the ice and get to know you."

"How do you know Johnny?" Talking about himself - he isn't sure about that.

"We volunteer together."

"Is that what this is, charity?

"Only in the sense that our sessions will be free. Unless you're trying to imply something else?"

"I'm not a charity case." No matter how much he tends to feel like one. 

"No, you're not a charity case. But, Jaehyun, There's nothing wrong with asking for help or accepting help when it's offered. Neither of those things makes you less."

An hour later, standing outside in the cold, Jaehyun doesn't feel any better. There's no profound change. When he goes home, he knows his mirror will still be broken, and there will still be a fractured stranger looking back at him. Still, there's a reminder on his phone for his next session. 

Looking at the trees that line the walkway, he notes how even they end up stripped bare, exposed without anything to provide cover. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I hope you enjoy it ❤


End file.
